Not Like a Fountain

Well, not this Monday ...

2007-03-06T22:44:00.001-08:00

New studies suggest that a specially formulated type of cocoa may boost brain function and delay decline as people age. But if cocoa keeps you sane, then just what was it that made that bird so cuckoo?

To mark George Washington's 275th birthday, President Bush visited Mount Vernon and met with a George Washington look-a-like, to whom Bush said “Oh, hi, Mom.”

Monday was President's Day, when Americans remember what it was like when we had a president.

Going out or coming in?

2007-02-28T23:17:00.000-08:00

A gym in Amsterdam is introducing training session for nudists, which will double as vomiting sessions for everyone else.

This past weekend, a woman in Atlantic City, New Jersey gave birth to her baby in a casino. However, she had to give the baby up after she went double or nothing that the placenta would land on black.

A new study in various animals shows that smelling foods can shorten their life, but not as much as smelling LIKE food.

Horsing around ... get it, "horsing"??????!!!!

2007-02-27T21:20:00.000-08:00

New research has found that seahorses flirt with up to 25 potential mates per day and regularly get involved in bisexual affairs. Accordingly, scientists are changing the species’ name to “The O.C. Horses”

A Chinese zoo is running a competition in which contestants have to live in a monkey enclosure "to experience the lack of freedom the animals have." This is the second experiment in depriving Chinese people of freedom. The first was called “China.”

According to a new survey America's favorite work of architecture is the Empire State Building, and its second favorite is Scarlett Johansson.

... and you're invited

2007-02-26T21:22:00.000-08:00

Levi Strauss has begun suing its rivals claiming that they have stolen its signature denim stitch, which is two intersecting arcs and a cloth label, for their own pockets. Along with the Scooter Libby case, this makes the second high-profile trial all about covering your ass.

A church in upstate New York is hosting a "Porn and Pancakes" breakfast to discuss the impact of pornography on society. I will also be hosting a “Porn and Pancakes” breakfast, because that’s what I do every Sunday.

Grey's Anatomy star Isaiah Washington, who entered a treatment facility last week for counseling over his repeated use of a homophobic slur, has been released and is expected to return to the set off the ABC series on Thursday, unless something queers the deal.

More like all the way to the bank ...

2007-02-21T05:50:00.000-08:00

As part of a broader plan aimed at bolstering his foreign policy credentials, Senator Barack Obama proposed for the first time setting a deadline for withdrawing troops from Iraq. However, he has not proposed a time to withdraw the media’s noses from his ass.

Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe will appear naked in a British stage revival of Equus, finally answering the question “wand or broomstick?”

Borat star Sascha Baron Cohen is being sued by an Israeli comedian who claims that Borat's signature exclamation of excitement "Wa wa wee wa" belongs to him. Both men are also being sued by the fifth little piggy.

God is my Skipper

2007-02-08T22:07:00.000-08:00

"The Word of Promise,” a 25 hour audio version of the Bible, will feature Richard Dreyfus as Moses, Marisa Tomei as Mary and Louis Gossett, Jr. as John. The use of these guest celebrities makes this recording perfect for people who like the Bible but wish it were more like “Love Boat.”

The new issue of Interview is devoted to Elizabeth Taylor and will feature personal photos of her including one of her with Bonkers the Bear. If you’re looking at the photo and wondering which one is Bonkers, remember that the bear never married Larry Fortensky.

Donatella Versace this week unveiled a "clergyman look" for men, which is inspired by Father Georg Gaenswein, the handsome, 50 year old private secretary to Pope Benedict. That’s right, it’s “Priest Chic,” the fashion that says “Look but, unless you’re a ten year old boy, don’t touch.”

Now it seems kinda weird they named so many desserts after him

2007-02-07T23:12:00.000-08:00

A man in Illinois broke the Guinness World Record for riding a stationary bike with a time of 85 hours. And to think they told him he’d never go anywhere.

Officials at the Chimp Haven in the Shreveport, Louisiana zoo were surprised when a female chimpanzee gave birth, despite the fact that the facility's entire male population has had vasectomies. Even more curious, the baby chimp looks an awful lot like Colin Farrell.

A new investigation into the death of Napoleon Bonaparte supports the original autopsy finding that the French emperor died of stomach cancer and rejects suggestions that arsenic poisoning was the culprit. A related study has found evidence that the real reason Abraham Lincoln died is that the play he was watching was just really, really bad.

Cheeky!

2007-01-25T21:40:00.000-08:00

According to a new study, Republican men would rather have a woman on top during sex, and at no other time.

According to the same study, Democrats prefer doggy-style, appropriate, since the Democratic symbol has always been the ass.

It was reported that Courtney Cox, who is good friends with Jennifer Aniston, called a truce with Aniston's ex-husband Brad Pitt, at the Golden Globes this week, after he explained that he only slept with Angelina Jolie because he and Jennifer were “on a break.”

Going downtown

2007-01-24T22:11:00.000-08:00

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg is preparing to unveil the city's own "NYC" brand of free condoms, which will be in packets with a variety of colors representing the different subway lines. My wife and I usually use the number one local, but after a while she just tells me to switch to the express.

It was announced this week that the next Real World will be in Sydney, Australia, which means that when the token alcoholic vomits in the first ten minutes of the first episode, it will go down the toilet counterclockwise.

It was reported this week that Rosie O'Donnell may be in talks to revive her popular syndicated talk show, because she suddenly has this tremendous urge to fire Koosh balls at someone.

Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!

2007-01-23T05:59:00.000-08:00

A Walt Disney World employee dressed as the character "Tigger" was accused of hitting a child while posing for a photo. According to the child, this was the least wonderful thing about Tiggers.

The House of Representatives on Wednesday passed the first increase in the federal minimum wage since the mid-1990s. Great! Now I can finally afford that Hootie and the Blowfish CD!

New York City officials are saying that the "gas" smell the covered the city Monday may have come from New Jersey, specifically, this one guy named Tony.

Belated Happy New Year!

2007-01-22T05:49:00.000-08:00

According to a new study the smell that most enhances sexual response in men is a combination of lavender and pumpkin pie, suggesting that most men really want to have sex at grandma’s house.

Mr. Blackwell released his annual worst dressed list with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton tying for first place, followed by Camilla Parker Bowles, who is now disliked by two queens.

A new video of Saddam Hussein's corpse, with a gaping neck wound, was posted on the Internet early Tuesday, the second leaked release of clandestine pictures from his execution, and the first to make it look like he was killed by the Star Wars Kid.

New Edition ... of an old joke

2006-12-21T15:23:00.000-08:00

Friday is the finalNight of Chanukah, the celebration of a miracle in which a supply of oil lasted eight times longer than anyone expected -- just like the marriage of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown.

The National Institute of Health announced Wednesday that two clinical trials in Africa have proven that circumcising adult men is an effective way to stop transmission of the virus that causes AIDS. A new ad campaign to promote circumcision will use the slogan “Take a Tip from Me.”

A Queens, New York man was arrested for dealing drugs on Tuesday while pushing his 18-month old daughter in her carriage. Police became suspicious when they saw the carriage had spinning gold rims and a chandelier.

Even more bugs in Iraq than in Vista

2006-12-20T23:26:00.000-08:00

President Bush said Monday that he chose Bob Gates as defense secretary to follow the legacy of Donald Rumsfeld and not to oversee US troop withdrawals from Iraq. And because he mistakenly thought he was that computer guy.

Saddam Hussein wrote to the chief judge in his Kurdish genocide trial that because of "insults" from the judge he no longer wants to attend the hearings, whatever the consequences. Relax, man, they’re just words … nothing to get hung about.

A 2 month-old baby girl in Colorado was in good condition Monday after being hospitalized with a blood-alcohol level more than four times the legal limit for an adult driver. Well I think it’s terrible that somebody gave this baby alcohol, but it’s even worse that they let her drive!

weddings that should have been underground, on the other hand . . .

2006-12-19T23:28:00.000-08:00

A Chinese coal mine has set a world record for the highest number of simultaneous weddings held underground. The previous record for weddings held in an underground coal mine? Zero!

It was rumored that Paris Hilton has been giving Britney Sears private strip tease lessons, and that the two have been practicing on a stripper pole in Hilton's house. But it’s irresponsible to report this story without sufficient evidence, which is why I demand extension photographic and video evidence of this story. I also want to know how it smells.

Malaysia's snake king Ali Khan Samsudin died last week during a performance when he was bitten by a King Cobra. “I really didn’t see this coming at all” said nobody.

In case you didn't know, I'm a Red Sox fan

2006-12-18T23:33:00.000-08:00

Officials at Yahoo.com said that the most requested searches of 2006 were Suri Cruise, Britney Spears, and the Yankees -- three things with no hair on their genitals.

The seven astronauts on NASA’s latest shuttle mission are among the most culturally diverse of any space shuttle crew in recent years, with two African-Americans, an Indian, a British-born specialist, an Alaskan, and the first Swede in space. The crew blasted off on Thursday in the Space Shuttle Benetton.

A women's group at Rhode Island College has filed a federal lawsuit against the college, claiming that their right to free speech was violated after the campus police took down signs reading, "Keep your rosaries off our ovaries." Yet they allowed a Fraternity to post signs that said “Keep your novenas off my penis.”

maybe they should get them a stool

2006-12-13T15:27:00.000-08:00

The Armed Forces recruiting station in Times Square has been unable to drive off flocks of pigeons who perch on top of the metal-and-glass structure. But I’m sure they’ll be getting the insurgents out of Iraq real soon.

John Brown University, the 87 year-old Christian college in Arkansas, has decided to allow dancing on campus. Thanks, Kevin Bacon!

NASA announced Wednesday that the Mars Global Surveyor has discovered evidence of water on Mars, because apparently that’s where George Bush, Sr. goes to cry.

I don't understand why they don't just dynamite Smugglers' Cove

2006-12-12T08:03:00.000-08:00

Rudy Nappi, an illustrator who painted covers for the Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys mystery books from 1953 to 1979, is filing a lawsuit alleging that an art designer stole her paintings and is now selling them on eBay. Ironically, the theft was uncovered by Encyclopedia Brown.

The National Institute on Media and the Family released its annual list of video games that should be avoided by kids and teens, including Scarface, Dead Rising, and Saints Row, or, as I call them, awesome, super awesome, and triple bastard mega-awesome.

The 2006 hurricane season ended with no hurricanes hitting the US, other than, of course, Hurricane Kramer.

If it wiggles too hard, it might fall off

2006-12-11T00:15:00.000-08:00

The popular children's group the Wiggles announced Thursday that its lead singer "Yellow Wiggle" will leave the group because of a serious illness, ironically also called “The Yellow Wiggle.”

PETA this week named Nicole Richie as the world's worst-dressed celebrity, though even they think she should eat a freakin’ cheeseburger.

McDonald's has filed a 55 page patent application in Europe and the US claiming "intellectual property rights" on how to make a deli sandwich. In a statement, McDonald’s claimed that this is the only way to be sure avoid any future acts of hamburglary.

And you can get arrested in most states for goose laying

2006-12-07T08:36:00.000-08:00

According to a new study, buying all the items in the song "Twelve Days of Christmas" has reached an all-time high price of 75,000 dollars. And that doesn’t include money to shove in the g-strings of the nine ladies dancing.

A federal judge on Wednesday ordered FEMA to resume payments to thousands who lost homes to Hurricane Katrina, calling that agency's policies confusing and "Kafkaesque." No, wait, not Kafka … caca.

Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki abruptly backed out of a meeting with President Bush on Wednesday. To make things worse, it seems that Bush is no longer in al-Maliki’s Top Eight on MySpace.

Plus, the Yogi Yahooies benefited when the Really Rottens boycotted the games

2006-12-06T21:12:00.000-08:00

A Korean Olympic Committee official was arrested in Qatar for protesting a ban on the Korean dish Kim chi at the Asian Games, claiming that lack of this food could hurt their athletes’ performance. This may be the biggest food and sports conflict since the Laff-a-Lympics banned Scooby Snacks.

A small town in Canada has put together a calendar featuring nude photos of citizens to protest the town’s many potholes. The plan may backfire, though. Take one look at this calendar and you won’t see any holes you’d want to fill.

A mental patient in Illinois has pleaded guilty to threatening to castrate President Bush, but was released after being credited with time served. Besides, as the judge put it, after the midterm elections, castrating Bush would be a little redundant.

Is that a banana in your pocket, or ...

2006-12-05T14:09:00.000-08:00

New research shows that male chimpanzees prefer to mate with older female chimpanzees, or, as the media had dubbed them, “Chilfs.”

President Bush is hoping to raise 500 million dollars to build his presidential library. Unlike most libraries, there will be no fines for overdue books, even if you keep them out much, much, much longer than you said you would.

An Australian woman says that she has deciphered five "words" from babies' cries, which are used by all infants to communicate specific needs, such as "I'm hungry," "I have lower gas," and "If Madonna calls, tell her I’m not here."

gobble gobble

2006-11-23T22:23:00.000-08:00

Yusuf Islam, the artist formerly known as Cat Stevens, has released his first commercial album in nearly three decades called "An Other Cup." As in “this soup kitchen serves delicious minestrone. Can I have another cup?”

Police in Dubai have been cracking down on men who go to the beaches to leer at women in bikinis and take lewd pictures of them. In Dubai these men are called “beach pests” while here they’re called “My Uncle Mike.”

British scientists have built what they say is the world's first artificial stomach, which simulate human digestion. In fact, it mimics human digestion so well that it also hates British food.

Worth Its Weight in Glod

2006-11-22T17:10:00.000-08:00

Loco, a Chinatown chicken that plays tic-tac-toe, is now playing the game at Foxwoods Resort Casino in Connecticut, where players who beat the chicken can win 10,000 dollars. Most excited about the idea of winning money by beating the chicken -- me in seventh grade!

It was reported that during the now-canceled Fox special "If I Did It," in which OJ Simpson discusses how he hypothetically killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, the former football star tearfully breaks down saying, "I can't do this. I can't have my kids hear me say this." Then he says, “Was that take good? ‘Cause I can do it again.”

The residents of Glod, Romania, which doubled for Borat's hometown in the hit movie, want to sue the movie's producers for portraying them as a pack of urine-drinking male rapists and female prostitutes. Yeah, because before I saw that movie, I was totally going to spend my next vacation in Glod, Romania.

That's like Bobby's Tiki Idol and Cousin Oliver combined!

2006-11-21T09:53:00.000-08:00

A new study shows that tattooed skin is less sensitive than non-tattooed areas of the body. All the same, Angelina Jolie still has much, much better sex than you.

Ki Gendeng Pamungkas, a renowned black magic practitioner in Indonesia, performed a voodoo ritual Thursday to jinx President Bush while he was on a brief visit to the country. Oh no. Now President Bush might start to have some bad luck.

It was reported that Katie Holmes went to an exclusive West Hollywood store to buy more than 3000 dollars worth of lacy lingerie for her wedding to Tom Cruise. Then she went next door to buy something for herself to wear.

Plus the music is much lamer now

2006-11-20T16:00:00.000-08:00

President Bush, who is visiting Vietnam this week, rejected links between the Vietnam War and the war in Iraq saying, "I see the differences. I really do." ... "For instance my father’s friends are still looking for a way to get me out of Iraq."

President Bush spoke Monday at the groundbreaking of the Martin Luther King, Jr. National Memorial on the Mall in Washington, DC. Bush and King have a lot in common. King had a dream and Bush has spent the past two weeks desperately hoping that he was just about to wake up from one

A Republican-led legislative panel in Missouri says in a new report on illegal immigration that abortion is partly to blame because it is causing a shortage of American workers. Good point. Every time I look at the classifieds, all I see is “Fetus wanted, must be familiar with Word and Excel.” “Are you a fetus with an MBA?” “Zygote acceptable. Fetus preferred.”

Ever see such a sight in your life?

2006-11-16T14:04:00.000-08:00

Police in Michigan arrested a man for murder after his girlfriend told them that during a party game in which people name the stupidest thing they had ever done, her boyfriend answered, "Shot a guy in the head." In a related story, this guy has a new answer for “stupidest thing he’s ever done.”

Scientists reported that retinal transplants restored sight in blind mice, but they still won’t get their tails back until they apologize to the farmer’s wife.

Voters in South Dakota rejected a law that would have banned virtually all abortions. When polled, voters said that they didn’t think that anybody should be forced to be born in South Dakota.

Slightly better than "cut and run"

2006-11-15T16:26:00.000-08:00

Imelda Marcos, the widow of the late Philippines dictator Ferdinand Marcos, is planning to launch "The Imelda Collection" of fashion jewelry and accessories, the perfect thing to wear while fleeing your country in disgrace.

A new study claims that, if doctors circumcised all baby boys, the rate of sexually transmitted diseases could be cut in half. Good news, but in a story about circumcision, did they need to use the term “cut in half”?

Courts nationwide are increasingly using new electronic monitoring devices to curb certain behavior, including alcohol-sniffing bracelets that monitor a person's blood-alcohol level through their sweat. So shape up, everyone, Big Brother Is Smelling You.

Sorry I didn't post yesterday ... it's not like there's been anything in the news ...

2006-11-14T15:10:00.000-08:00

Just under 1900 people showed up in Paris on Thursday to try to break the record for the most people kissing in one spot at one moment, but fell short of Budapest's 2005 record of 11,500 people, and of the thousands and thousands of people currently kissing Nancy Pelosi’s ass.

US Ambassador John Bolton brought the UN Security Council on Tuesday to Madison Square Garden to see a Knicks game, based on the theory that, after they had seen the Knicks play, torture wouldn’t seem so bad.

A judge in Delaware has ordered a man who twice exposed himself to a 10 year-old girl, to wear a T-shirt with the words "I am a registered sex offender." Unfortunately, the judge did not order the man to wear pants.

The Far Right Stuff

2006-11-02T23:54:00.000-08:00

NASA's Johnson Space Center is conducting experiments on counteracting the effects of weightlessness, and are looking for volunteers to lie in a bed for three weeks. Luckily there will soon be a whole bunch of Republican congressmen with plenty of free time.

A panda cub in China bit off part of the thumb of an American visitor at a reserve. Wow. That is a STRICT no tolerance policy on hitchhiking.

"The View" co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck is upset about an episode of "Law and Order : SVU," in which a character named Elizabeth Hassenback is raped and murdered, saying the character was meant to be her. “SVU” producers denied that any of their characters were based on any real people – not Elizabeth Hassenback, not Schmarbara Schmalters, not Blosie Blo’Blonnell, and not Misery Behar.

Take that, celebrities!

2006-11-01T20:56:00.000-08:00

Scientists have found a large deposit of bacteria almost two miles under ground in a South African gold mine. Experts say that to find that much bacteria hidden under gold, you would have to remove Flava Flav’s grill.

More than 200 people in Wisconsin attended a symbolic funeral at a local cemetery to lay to rest the "N-word,” meaning that we should all now refer to Kevin Federline as a “Wafrican Wamerican.”

Lucy, the 3.2 million year-old skeleton unearthed in Ethiopia in 1974, will go on tour in the United States for 6 years. But even though Lucy’s going along on the tour, Ricky still won’t let her be in the show.

Y'know what's really scary this Halloween? This midterm election! Right? Right? Hey, where are you going?

2006-10-31T21:23:00.000-08:00

Boston broke a world record Saturday after thousands of volunteers gathered to light more than 29,000 Jack-o-Lanterns in Boston Commons. This was the most pumpkin heads congregated in Boston since the last Kennedy family reunion.

President Bush signed a bill Thursday authorizing 700 miles of new fencing along the US-Mexico border. Sadly, Tom Sawyer later tricked the president into painting the fence himself.

NBC this week canceled the sitcom "Twenty Good Years” after three bad episodes.

Opie and Anthony were going to read aloud from Lynn Cheney's novel, but it was too dirty

2006-10-30T11:38:00.000-08:00

The White House on Tuesday invited talk radio shows to broadcast from the front lawn of the White House to interview administration officials. Condoleezza Rice discussed Iraq with Sean Hannity, Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh spoke about the midterm elections, and Karl Rove was paddled by a drunk, topless midget on Howard Stern.

The New Jersey Supreme Court ruled this week that state prosecutors no longer have to prove a defendant is mentally fit to be executed, the theory being that anyone who doesn’t prefer death to living in New Jersey is definitely crazy.

President Bush on Thursday signed a bill authorizing the construction of a 700 mile fence along the US-Mexico border, hoping to give Republican candidates a pre-election platform for asserting they are hard on illegal immigration, and not just hard for teenage boys.

inconspicuous consumption

2006-10-26T15:46:00.000-07:00

The Virginia Health Department is recommending mandatory gym classes and higher taxes on all-you-can-eat buffets to combat an increase in obesity in the state. But if you really want people from Virginia to eat better, you really need to start by getting Senator George Allen to stop putting his foot in his mouth.

It was reported that Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid has been using campaign donations instead of his personal money to pay Christmas bonuses for the support staff at The Ritz-Carlton, where he lives, making this officially the least sleazy thing a member of congress has ever done in a hotel.

Addressing the concerns of child obesity, Walt Disney announced Monday that it would curtail the use of its name and characters with food items that did not meet new nutritional guidelines. Accordingly, Cinderella will return to using her traditional pumpkin carriage and give up her new “Double Quarter-Pounder Mobile.”

not hard to imagine

2006-10-24T23:56:00.000-07:00

Yoko Ono has filed a lawsuit against EMI Records saying that they owe her at least 10 million dollars in royalties from John Lennon's solo music, because the only reason Lennon ever went into his soundproof recording studio was to get away from her.

A stingray in Florida, leaped out of the water and stabbed an 81 year-old man in the chest on Wednesday, leaving the poisonous stinger in his chest, however, the man is expected to make a full recovery. Okay, folks … the stingrays are really, really pissed at us. And we thought they’d welcome us as liberators.

The US Postal Service is eliminating its 23,000 stamp vending machines because they are outdated and costly to replace. IN response, one of the eliminated vending machines became disgruntled, returned to the post office and shot three coworkers.

How did it take us eight years to figure out how fat this guy is?

2006-10-23T12:44:00.000-07:00

Scientists in California and Russia announced Monday that they have added a new item to the periodic table, after they created the heaviest atomic element ever made: Hastertium.

It was reported that the Dalai Lama convinced Elle Macpherson to not sue Heidi Klum for allegedly appropriating her nickname "The Body." Now that this crisis has been averted, the Lama can return to his truly important work -- making sure the Paris/Nicole reunion sticks this time.

Phil Collins and the rock group Genesis have announced plans for a major reunion tour. The first stop on the tour will be a local Burger King, so the other members of the group can return their uniforms.

Ad-ditives

2006-10-17T23:49:00.000-07:00

A new study has found that messages for high-fat, high-sugar foods permeate programming for preschoolers on Nickelodeon, Disney and PBS, even though they promote themselves as ad-free. Said a spokesman, “We don’t run any ads during our shows -- not during ‘Dorito the Explorer,’ or ‘Hostess SpongeCake Squarepants,’ or ‘Learning to Read with Ronald McDonald and the Big Mac Attack Kids!’”

George Michael was arrested on Monday in London on suspicion of possessing marijuana after police found him slumped in his car. Man, does that take me back. In college, my friends and I used to get so slumped. Man, we were slumped out of our minds!

A lesbian couple living in Ireland began a landmark court case to have their marriage recognized there, even though Ireland’s official policy is that kissing the Blarney Stone is fine, licking it is not.

I'm pretty sure I'd ace that

2006-10-16T15:50:00.000-07:00

Chris Migliaccio, a 23 year-old Assembly hopeful from Flushing, Queens, has been seen on a video arguing that masturbation should be part of the sex-ed curriculum. So think about that when you’re in the voting booth, pulling the lever.

Kenneth Kahn, a clown, is running for mayor of Alameda. Boy, I’d hate to be the guy who has to follow a clown as mayor. I’d have some mighty big shoes to fill.

The Pentagon is sponsoring a contest to find a vehicle that can drive through congested city traffic by itself. It shouldn’t be too hard. The federal government has been speeding along for six years now with no one at the steering wheel.

which is a giant step for most men

2006-10-12T01:17:00.000-07:00

According to a survey, James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover" is the song most requested at British funerals, because it reminds people how truly fortunate the dead are.

An Australian computer programmer says he found the missing "a" from Neil Armstrong's famous first words from the moon in 1969. Thank god. I was wondering when they were finally going to find something to put in that a-hole.

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad issued on order this week that his country's nuclear facilities be opened to foreign tourists to prove that their atomic program is peaceful. “Aw, mom! I don’t wanna go to Disney World for vacation! I wanna tour an Iranian nuclear facility! It’s the most radioactive place on earth!”

Italics make everything funnier

2006-10-11T10:53:00.000-07:00

Neiman Marcus is now offering a 1.76 million dollar space trip that includes a chance to be weightless. The trip is called “The Nicole Richie Experience.”

Paul Moran, a "Flying Elvis" suffered a broken pelvis during the opening of a casino in Montana after members of the troupe misjudged the landing and hit the ground at 50 miles per hour. That’s right. A guy who imitates Elvis broke his pelvis. A cautionary tale for any female impersonators who dress up as Venus Williams.

A new study shows that a smoke alarm featuring recordings of parents' voices is much more effective than a conventional one for waking children, who are sleeping soundly, especially if the voice is saying “Get out of bed! Congressman Mark Foley is coming!”

Axe Ill Foley

2006-10-10T23:25:00.000-07:00

Newly discovered e-mails revealed that former Representative Mark Foley had Internet sex with a boy during a 2003 House vote on emergency funding for the Iraq war. This might explain an amendment Foley proposed that wouldn’t have sent the money all at once, but instead sent it in several short spurts.

The New York Times reported this week that a 20 million dollar provision has been placed in the military spending bill to pay for a celebration in the nation's capital "for commemoration of success" in Iraq and Afghanistan. Hey, when is that celebration being held? ‘Cause I might have a conflict with my “I have heat vision” party.

As part of Banned Books Week, the American Library Association is holding an online vote asking readers for their favorite "banned book." Well, whoever wins the vote, I know my favorite banned book will always be “Horton Hears a Whore.”

Don't worry, Foley jokes are coming soon ...

2006-10-09T09:03:00.000-07:00

A federal judge in New York ruled that a jury can hear a 200 billion dollar class-action suit against tobacco companies, which alleges that companies sold "light" cigarettes knowing that they were just as harmful as regular cigarettes. There is precedent for this case, in the matter of Skywalker vs. “Light” Sabers.

In hopes of ending anger in the Islamic world over his remarks on holy war, Pope Benedict told Muslim envoys on Monday that their two faiths must overcome historic enmities and together reject violence. If Muslims embrace this overture, it is expected that Islamic/Christian relations will get just as boring as those lame cartoons where Tom and Jerry are friends.

President Bush on Tuesday angrily criticized the leak of the report on the war in Iraq saying, "Somebody has taken it upon themselves to leak classified information for political purposes." Adding, “We’ve got to find someone to Plame … I mean … blame.”

My estimate had it even lower

2006-10-04T23:09:00.000-07:00

President Bush on Tuesday angrily called the leak of the National Intelligence Estimate a political act intended to affect the upcoming midterm elections. Then he reminded everyone that gas prices had fallen 20 percent since July!

Paris Hilton was charged on Tuesday with driving under the influence and if convicted could face six months in jail, or, I like to think, a spanking.

A new SpongeBob SquarePants doll, wearing pink pants is being sold to raise money to fight breast cancer … and heterosexuality.

At long last ...

2006-10-03T23:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, that was a long, dry summer. But the Fountain is flowing again and we should see jokes most days, most weeks ... we hope.

It was reported that Dustin Diamond, who played Screech on “Saved by the Bell,” can be seen in a 40 minute sex tape with 2 women, in which he performs a sex act known as a Dirty Sanchez. A sequel is already planned called “Snow Balling Mr. Belding.”

Pope Benedict XVI met with Muslim diplomats on Monday in the pontiff's latest efforts to mend relations after his remarks about Islam and violence ignited the Vatican's most serious international crisis since John-Paul II’s infamous “Buddha was a fat-ass bitch” comments of 1987.

Ricky Martin on Tuesday testified before Congress as part of his campaign for better laws and more money to combat global trafficking in children. And believe me, as a former member of Menudo, Ricky Martin knows about global trafficking in children.

And this was odd, because it was the middle of the night

2006-07-28T17:25:00.000-07:00

Well, that break was a little longer than we thought, huh? Let's see if we can do a regular week this week.

John Bolton is finally going through a confirmation process for the position of UN Ambassador. If he is voted in, it is expected that he will celebrate with his friend the carpenter over a dish of oysters.

During his time at the G8 summit, President Bush was spotted on camera swearing, speaking with his mouth full, and giving a creepy massage, which is why Condoleeza Rice and Tony Blair have started referring to the trip as "You, Me and Dupree."

Paris Hilton says she's going to stop having sex for a year to get to know herself better. Good, because I've always though Paris Hilton needed to be more self-involved.

You gotta stay Hungary

2006-05-24T11:36:00.000-07:00

We're heading into our new spotty summer season. So there may be weeks with no jokes, there may be weeks with one joke per day ... or every other day, etc. Come fall, we should be back to full strength.

A Hungarian man, who is about to turn 60, pulled a 924 pound carriage over 430 miles to prove he was still as strong as a horse. Said the man’s wife, “Okay, strong as a horse, yes. But that’s where the comparison ends.”

Mattel and MGA Entertainment, the makers of Barbie and the Bratz dolls plan to release competing editions of their toys that come with real jewels. That’s Mattel and MGA, making sure the little girls of today become the insufferable bitches of tomorrow.

When asked if the intelligence failures in Iraq made him question intelligence about Iran’s nuclear weapon program, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said “You bet.” No, Don, you guys are the one who bet. We’re the ones who lose.

"Deather" wasn't a good tabloid portmanteau anyway

2006-05-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

It was reported that Heather Locklear split up with David Spade, leaving the question of who will get custody of their haircut.

Despite have its series finale episode last week, the long-running WB show 7th Heaven, about a minister and his family, may come back next season on the new CW network. Said a spokesman, “We thought the show was dead for three days, but then it rose again …”

The state of George plans to appeal a judge’s ruling that struck down the state’s ban on gay marriage, because, like the old Georgia saying goes, God made Scarlett and Rhett, not Liza and Bette.

Life threw him at us ...

2006-05-22T07:41:00.000-07:00

Republican strategist Karl Rove has said that the American electorate is in a “sour” mood at the moment. This is probably because they’ve discovered their president is a lemon.

After a Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage, Democratic Senator Russ Feingold, who opposed the amendment, walked out of the meeting when Republican Chairman Arlen Specter said, "If you want to leave, good riddance." Hmm … I guess he knows how to quit him.

It was announced that Meredith Vieira's last day as host of The View will be June 9, which will follow a three-day send-off from her co-hosts that will culminate in an on-air roast. After Viera is roasted, her replacement, Rosie O’Donnell, will eat her.

Maybe they just thought she wasn't def enough

2006-05-18T11:57:00.000-07:00

Jane Fernandes, the newly chosen president of Gallaudet University, the nation's only liberal arts college for the deaf, received a no-confidence vote from faculty in a dispute that she said comes down to whether she is "deaf enough." Fernandes responded with some sign language that pretty much everyone can understand.

The remake of The Poseidon Adventure opened this weekend. It’s the story of the people escaping from a sinking ship and stars Josh Lucas, Andrew Card, and Scott McClellan.

Plus, he orders out like every night ...

2006-05-16T19:21:00.000-07:00

Following reports that the NSA is building a database of every hone call made within the country, President Bush on Thursday said that all anti-terrorism efforts are within the law, and that Mr. Tom Reing of Philadelphia was trying WAY too hard to make Taylor the next American Idol.

New pictures of Representative Patrick Kennedy has surfaced featuring the Rhode Island congressman in 1989 dressed as Michael Jackson for a party. Really? In 1989? Who’d he go as last year, the guy from Right Said Fred?

Researchers are saying that lesbians' brains react differently to sex hormones than those of heterosexual women and supports the theory that homosexuality has a physical basis and is not learned behavior. So apparently those pottery classes at the Learning Annex are actually just teaching them pottery.

Featuring Wimple-'Em-Out Wednesdays

2006-05-15T06:12:00.000-07:00

Sirius Satellite Radio said Wednesday that it would create a new channel of Catholic-themed programming with the Archdioceses of New York. The first show will be “Popie and Anthony.”

According to Census Bureau estimates, Hispanics remain America's fastest-growing minority group, but most of their population increase comes from births here, rather than immigration. Many politicians are now in an uproar about the number of jobs being taken away from American uteruses.

It was announced this week that Joan Rivers will host Bravo's first talk-show called "Can We Dish?," which will be a mix of pop culture news, celebrity interviews, and sheer terror.

Sort of a May/Smarch romance

2006-05-10T12:06:00.000-07:00

It was reported that a 33 year-old man in Malaysia married a 104 year-old woman this week saying that mutual respect and friendship had turned to love ... unthinkable, stomach-churning love.

Republican Senator John Cornyn from Texas said Tuesday that Monday's nationwide boycott by Hispanic groups and other seeking rights for illegal immigrants was unlikely to help break a Senate impasse on an overhaul of immigration laws and that "it may have alienated some people." President Bush immediately proposed giving the alienated people temporary worker visas.

White House spokesman Scott McClellan said Thursday that while President Bush likes to use a few Spanish words in his speeches, but he can't speak the language "that well." Bush says he would like to learn more Spanish, and maybe after that he could learn a few phrases in English.

It's like The Odd Couple, if Felix's son were an incompetent with nuclear weapons

2006-05-09T04:14:00.000-07:00

Time Magazine's list of the world's top couples includes Bill Clinton and George H. W. Bush, who teamed up to raise money for hurricane and tsunami relief. Upon learning they were a couple, Clinton immediately made plans to cheat on George H. W. Bush.

A new cologne scent is being created based on the smell of Play-Doh, called "eau de Play-Doh." Said a man who used the cologne before going to a bar to try to meet women, “I didn’t get any play ... D’oh!”

According to a new study, New York City this year ranks number 11 on a list of the country's top 100 "allergy capitals," which is much higher than its ranking last year at number 88. Scientists believe this is because of the number of players on the New York Knicks who developed an allergy to playing basketball well.

Better than the last few, which were called Mission: Impossible

2006-05-08T09:41:00.000-07:00

The 1984 comedy Revenge of the Nerds is being remade. They may have to change the title though, because “Revenge of the Nerds” is already what the Democratic Party is calling the midterm elections.

A new poll shows that Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 have poor geography skills, with nearly one-third unable to locate Louisiana, and 60 percent unable to find Iraq. Even worse, Americans who can find their way to Iraq just can’t find their way out.

It was reported that Fox is creating a new reality series called My Bare Lady, in which porn stars will be cast in a classic stage drama to be performed in London's West End. That play will of course be the Oscar Wilde classic The Importance of Boning Ernest.

The last joke would work better with a visual, but for some reason we don't use those ...

2006-04-20T07:06:00.000-07:00

Lifetime Television will air reruns of Desperate Housewives, starting in August. That’s Lifetime, television for gay men and teenage masturbators.

Nuclear experts said Wednesday that while Iran has enriched uranium, it is still five to 10 years away from being able to build a nuclear bomb. So any problems with that will just have to be handled by president Clooney.

Legal experts are questioning a judge who ordered a Detroit man, who balked at serving on a grand jury, to sit on a bench in the court room and stare at a wall every day the grand jury is in session. In his own defense, the judge pointed out that the man is a potential Dennis the Menace to society.

I've got a bad feeling about this judge

2006-04-19T07:31:00.000-07:00

Malcolm in the Middle star Frankie Muniz said that he will take a 2 year break from acting to be a professional race-car driver. Let’s just hope this story doesn’t end in the tabloid headline “Malcolm in the Middle of Twelve Car Pile-Up.”

A high-school student, who became an Internet phenomenon as the "State Wars Kid" when a video of him wielding a lightsaber first appeared on line, has settled a lawsuit with the classmates who first posted the video without his knowledge. “Help me, law offices of Bernstein, Falk, and Sekowsky, you’re my only hope!”

Vice President Dick Cheney threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener on Tuesday. All the victims are in stable condition.

We do not discuss the Pat Sajak Incident of '88

2006-04-18T10:24:00.000-07:00

A school is Utah is embarrassed after discovering that the wrong Jon Stewart they book for its annual gala is actually a motivational speaker, and not the Daily Show host they had wanted. This is not the first time this has happened. Last year the school booked Jimmy Kimmel and were distressed to find out they had actually booked the real Jimmy Kimmel.

This week Winnie the Pooh was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, making him the first bear with his own star, unless you count Harvey Fierstein.

It was reported this week that Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard are expecting their first child and plan to marry soon. The couple is registered at Taarget.

joke number three was co-written by a t-shirt

2006-04-13T12:49:00.000-07:00

According to a new report on New York City restaurants, employees who do not get sick days are twice as likely to sneeze, cough or spit on customers' food, especially if that customer is related to the boss that wouldn't give them any sick days.

A new report shows that the United States leads the world in financial aid to the world's poor by donating 27.5 billion dollars. But that number goes down if you don't count people who bought Justin Guarini's album

A textbook used at schools in the Indian state of Rajasthan compares housewives to donkeys and suggests the animals make better companions as they complain less and are more loyal to their "masters." Well, if these guys like donkeys so much more than their wives, I'd like to invite them to kiss my ass.

It makes me need to breathe into a ... well, you know ...

2006-04-11T19:50:00.000-07:00

One New York movie theater pulled the trailer for the 9/11 movie United 93, after patrons complained that it was too upsetting for them. Now could they please do something about those Fandango commercials? Because those talking paper bags scare the crap out of me.

National Geographic magazine on Thursday unveiled an ancient manuscript being called the Gospel of Judas, which states that Judas betrayed Jesus at Jesus' request. Wait, no, sorry, that's the gospel of Scooter Libby.

Gloria Monty, a groundbreaking producer who turned General Hospital into a pop sensations in the late 1970s, died last week at the age of 84. She is survived by her evil twin and the long lost daughter she never knew she had.

His ERA is higher than his approval rating

2006-04-10T21:12:00.000-07:00

President Bush threw out the opening pitch Monday at Cincinnati's Great American Ball Park, but the pitch was high and inside, two words that also describe George W. Bush during Vietnam.

It was reported that Tom cruise has ordered an adult size pacifier for Katie Holmes to bite on when she is giving birth so that she does not violate a precept of Scientology that prohibits the mother from screaming while in labor. But that doesn't explain why he also bought her oversized diapers, bonnets, and a t-shirt that says "Daddy's Little Girl."

Basic Instinct 2 opened in a disappointing 10th place, making only 3 million dollars, all the more disappointing because the original film was most famous for its opening.

Comedy of insertion

2006-03-15T19:42:00.000-08:00

According to a new poll, former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani topped the list of the Thermometer of American Leaders. And, appropriately, it was a rectal thermometer.

While speaking to the American Legacy Foundation, Senator Hillary Clinton warned that second-hand smoke also causes cancer in pets, and that she would push for even stricter rules regarding smoking. For example, anyone putting a cigar in a hoo-hah would receive the death penalty.

According to the first annual Beliefnet Spiritual Film Awards, The Chronicles of Narnia is the year's best spiritual film and March of the Penguins is the best spiritual documentary. Though of course the most spiritual experience most moviegoers had last year was praying to god that King Kong would end before their bladders exploded.

Moderately dirty, immoderately hilarious!

2006-03-14T18:33:00.000-08:00

The Queen of England is running guided walks on her Balmoral estate for people who want to listen to deer mating. Because people will do anything to relieve their minds of the thought of Charles and Camilla mating.

Last Wednesday was International Women's Day, except of course in South Dakota, where you now have to register your vagina with the government.

Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman, and Paris Hilton all showed up last week to pick up their prizes at the annual Razzies, which celebrate the worst in film. Hilton was especially pleased to be recognized for all her years of sucking on film.

It took me nearly two years, but I finally used that word in a puncline

2006-03-13T11:24:00.000-08:00

Medical experts are warning that the excessive iPod use, especially with the ear-bud headphones, can cause hearing loss. Unfortunately, the warning fell on deaf ears.

The winner of Best Song at the Academy Awards was Three 6 Mafia for "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp," making it the first Oscar-winning song with "pimp" in the title since the beloved "Pimp Pimpery Pimp Pimpery Pimp Pimp-peree" from "Mary Poppins."

Russian cosmonaut Pavel Vinogradov plans to tee off from the International Space Station in an effort to send a golf ball on a four-year, 12.5 million mile orbit of the Earth. His first practice swing didn't go well and Vinogradov accidentally shanked it into the rough near Uranus.

The third joke is invisible

2006-03-08T12:26:00.000-08:00

A new poll shows that 72 percent of US troops in Iraq reject President Bush's policies and favor pulling out of the country within a year, while the other 28 percent really hate their wives.

Wisconsin voters will vote this fall on whether to amend the state constitution to ban gay marriage and civil unions. Come on, Wisconsin, do you really want to prevent marriage among the only thin people in your entire state?

Life's a Bruichladdich

2006-03-07T06:15:00.000-08:00

Bruichladdich distillery, a Scottish distillery, said Monday that it was reviving a centuries-old recipe for 184-proof whiskey. And reviving that recipe took some very strong black coffee.

During an unannounced trip to Afghanistan on Wednesday, President Bush said, "It's a thrill to come to a country which is dedicating itself to the dignity of every person who lives here." In other words, a country that does not yet have "Skating With Celebrities."

Tens of thousands of Indians rallied Wednesday in New Delhi to protest President Bush's visit to the country. Said Bush, "I'll show them. I'll just have the deli deliver my sandwich!"

Talkin' Turkey

2006-03-06T18:28:00.000-08:00

While speaking at the National Wild Turkey Federation's annual convention, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia recalled carrying a rifle around new York city as a youth and said that outdoorsmen should attack the idea that guns are used only to commit crimes. Yeah! They should attack that idea, fill it full of lead, then take its wallet!

The Humane Society charged on Wednesday that the makers of "Brokeback Mountain" were too rough on sheep during filming of the movie. Um ... did you see what those guys were doing to each other?

A Baton Rouge hospital, hoping to determine who placed urine in a worker's toolbox, is ordering 25 employees to undergo DNA testing or be terminated. Once they have the samples, they hope to find the urinater through a process of elimination.

If you don't remember them, it's like they're brand new jokes

2006-02-27T13:32:00.000-08:00

New jokes will finally return next week, but since we haven’t done a “best-of” in a while … here’s a week of reruns.

Pope Benedict XVI will attend a world-premiere screening of the CBS mini-series about Pope John Paul II. But he has asked that they change the title from The Eighty-Four-Year-Old Virgin.

Jay Leno has written a new children's book called "How to Be the Funniest Kid in the Whole Wide World." "Tonight Show" bandleader Kevin Eubanks has penned a companion book called "How to Laugh Like a Jackass and Make Your Boss Think He's the Funniest Kid in the Whole Wide World."

A bar in London opened last weekend, made entirely of ice and will be kept at minus 23 degrees Fahrenheit year round, powered entirely by the stares the Queen gives Camilla.

If anything, this will officially kill the nickname "Dick" once and for all

2006-02-17T12:58:00.000-08:00

Y’know, it occurs to me that Clinton shot somebody in the face, too.

Britney Spears will guest-star on an upcoming episode of Will & Grace as a Christian conservative who appears on Jack's talk show, while Kevin Federline will appear as the title character on an upcoming episode of “Love Monkey.”

Kate Moss will appear on the cover of British Vogue, fitting neatly into the space on the logo between the G and the U.

And now I can't stop

2006-02-15T10:42:00.000-08:00

I always suspected two things about Dick Cheney ... 1) He would hunt human beings for sport if they let him. 2) He couldn't bag any quail at a Girls Gone Wild shoot.

I don't understand why Republicans are hunting quail anyway. The last one they caught didn't do them much good when he was Vice President.

So ... Michelle Kwan is out, Bode Miller is disqualified. Is it me, or is this year sort of the "Wednesday Matinee" of Olympics. I feel like I got a Playbill full of little pieces of paper telling me the role usually played by Nathan Lane will be filled by Jim J. Bullock.

How did it take me so long to write this joke?

2006-02-14T07:57:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines Day everybody! Here's hoping Cupid shoots you with his arrow, and Dick Cheney does not shoot you in the face with a shotgun.

It was reported that John Paulus, a former Army Green Beret who claimed that he had sex with Clay Aiken, is now saying that he may re-enact the romp in a porn movie, to be entitled Oh, My Aiken Back Door.

Twenty pigeons fitted with mini pollution monitors and transmitters will be released into the skies over San Jose, California in August to report back how dirty the air is. The way it works is this: If the pigeons die, the air is really dirty.

But it's not the gayest movie involving chaps, spurs, and cowboy hats ... not by a long shot

2006-02-08T11:37:00.000-08:00

The Oscar nominations were announced last Tuesday with Brokeback Mountain leading the field with eight nominations, including Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Actor, making this the gayest Academy Awards since ... every year's Academy Awards.

A pastor in California, who was accused of selling the town's oldest church, pleaded guilty to embezzlement on Monday and agreed to 18 months in prison, where his holiest of holies will sell for three cartons of cigarettes and a Hershey bar.

There is concern that if Saddam Hussein and his co-defendants keep interrupting their trial, the judge in the case will try them in absentia. Upon hearing hearing this, President Bush immediately demanded Congress to allow him to use military force to liberate the people of Absentia.

And then he asked to dip his McNuggets! Hey-o!

2006-02-07T23:50:00.000-08:00

A man in Texas was charged with obscene display after a woman behind him in line at a McDonald's drive-thru saw a porn he was watching on a TV screen in his vehicle, though, ironically, the film he was watching was called "Super-Sized with Special Sauce."

People in Slovakia are upset with the horror film "Hostel," in which backpackers are tortured and killed there, saying that it is giving the country a bad name. That new name for Slovakia? "Slow-painful-deathia."

Senator Sam Brownback, a Republican from Kansas, and a potential Presidential candidate, said he meant no offense to gays and lesbians when he said recently in Rolling Stone magazine that homosexual Swedes were "fruits." And he was only referring to those little red candies when he called Scandanavian lesbians "Swedish Fish Eaters."

You know what else are funny? Relationships! Am I right, fellas?

2006-02-06T14:47:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday Alan Greenspan retired as chairman of the Federal reserve after 18 years in the position. Greenspan will spend his golden years at home, gradually lowering his interest rate in having sex with his wife.

Tom Cruise was nominated as Worst Actor by this year's Razzie Awards, however Katie Homes was named "Best Supporting Beard."

According to a new survey, most men want to have Jessica Alba, The Fantastic Four's "Invisible Woman," as their girlfriend. But keep in mind, this was Super Bowl weekend, when most men pretend their girlfriends are invisible anyway.

I'm not counting the album he released as his "Osama al Gaines" persona

2006-01-28T12:29:00.000-08:00

Kind of a lame way to limp into a week off, but here are four jokes on Saturday that should have been three jokes each on Wednesday and Thursday. See you in a week.

The latest audio tape, purportedly from Osama Bin Laden, is the first such tape released in over a year, though some of his greatest hits had appeared on the compilation "Now That's What I Call Terrorism!"

Former Brady Bunch stars Christopher Knight and Barry Williams will play gay lovers on an upcoming episode of That 70s Show, suggesting that Santa Claus got Elton John's letter about 30 years too late.

A 73 year-old Croatian widow has submitted a pickled cucumber for a place as the world's oldest in the Guinness Book of Records. In a statement, the seven Playmates currently dating Hugh Hefner said "we beg to differ."

Singer Michael Bolton announced that he is "very committed" to girlfriend Nicollette Sheridan, but did not confirm rumors that they are getting married, because even he is sick of hearing Michael Bolton music at wedding receptions

If it hits "Bonaduce" we all go home

2006-01-24T14:11:00.000-08:00

Double dose to make up for the missing Monday entry.

Italy announced this week that it will reduce by half its military force in Iraq by May as part of its phased withdrawal from the country. With only half the Italian force left, the Italian factor of the coalition will have to be downgraded from Deniro to Minelli.

Ted Kennedy has written a book about his dog, Splash, an odd choice for a man famous for driving off a bridge. It's kind of like Clinton naming a dog Spot.

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin is catching heat for saying that he'd like to have a "chocolate New Orleans," though he is not the first person to use such language. For example, Portland, Oregon is often called "the most vanilla city in the world," and San Francisco has been compared to both Tutti Frutti and Fudge Ripple.

A new weight-loss plan, called "The Flavor Point Diet," suggests that people have flavor-themed meals so that their brains will register that they are full quicker and not eat as much. Also popular is the "Flava Flav Diet" where you picture Flava Flav making out with Bridget Nielsen and you immediately lose your appetite.

Hamas has launched Al Aksa TV, a new television station for the Gaza Strip, which features new children's shows, including "The Mickey Mosque Club," "Scooby Jew, Why Are You ... Desecrating the Land of my Fathers," and of course "Dora the Exploder."

I could've sworn it was Thursday

2006-01-20T15:50:00.000-08:00

Astronomers said Monday that the one-way journey from the heart of a galaxy into the oblivion of a black hole probably takes about 200,000 years, or almost as long as it takes them to get to the damned island in King Kong.

A barge near Brooklyn, New York began to sink Sunday dunking its load of several freight cars full of raw cocoa into the water. Experts say the mixture of polluted New York water and chocolate powder still taste better than egg creams.

Scientists in Sweden have developed the first female crash test dummies. They work just like the male dummies, but they're more willing to ask for directions on the way to the accident.

don't read chapter nine while you're eating

2006-01-18T11:01:00.000-08:00

Senator Ted Kennedy has written a children's book called My Senator and Me: A Dogs-Eye View of Washington, DC, which explains how a bill becomes a law, though since it's Ted Kennedy the dog is following, there's also a lot about how a corned beef sandwich becomes a bowel movement.

School officials in Missouri apologized to Nathan Warmack, who was ordered to change clothes after he wore a kilt to a dance at Jackson High School. The officials said, "We are sorry for any embarrassment we caused Mr. Warmack and we hope he doesn't get his panties in a bunch."

Michael J. Fox is returning to television for a recurring guest role on Boston Legal, while Justine Bateman is now working at a Boston-area Legal Seafood.

Happy New Year ... here are jokes

2006-01-16T23:53:00.000-08:00

Brad Pitt has confirmed that he and Angelina Jolie are expecting a child, or, as People Magazine calls it, "The Sexiest Fetus Alive."

After being rushed to the hospital early Monday for difficulty breathing, Dick Cheney was given diuretics to reduce a fluid back-up that had caused the problem. So Cheney was soon up and pissing all over the Constitution like always.

A movie theater in Salt Lake City, which belongs to Larry Miller owner of the Utah Jazz basketball team, abruptly canceled planned screening of the movie Brokeback Mountain, but would not say why. Rumor has it that Miller misinterpreted someone who told him watching the movie could teach his players how to handle balls.

Season's Greetings

2005-12-24T08:24:00.000-08:00

We'll be off for the holiday for a while, so enjoy an extra large helping of jokes to wrap up the year.

After months of resistance, the White House has agreed to accept Senator John McCain's call for a law specifically banning cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment of foreign suspects in the war on terror. The White House agreed to the torture ban after sitting through an entire screening of "Yours, Mine, and Ours."

A supermarket chain in Britain has introduced the world's first musical sandwich that plays a medley of Christmas tunes when the packaging is opened. Slightly less popular is the package of bagels and lox that plays "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel."

One of the hottest selling dolls in the Middle East is Fulla, which is similar to a Barbie doll, except she wears a burka, comes with a prayer rug and her breasts are much smaller than Barbie's. As with Barbie, children can buy career-specific outfits for Fulla, such as teacher or doctor, but if Fulla wears any of them, Ken is allowed to behead her.

Two high schools in Connecticut have begun ticketing students who use foul language, which is bad news for the drama club's production of "Glengarry Glenn Ross."

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg has reached a deal with the Mister Frostee soft ice cream company that would allow the ice cream trucks to continue playing their jingle while driving, but must cease playing the music when they are stopped. Bloomberg also cautioned the drivers that "I Wanna Sex You Up" really isn't an appropriate jingle.

Scientists are saying that oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, can also help overcome fear and anxiety. Plus, it's the secret ingredient in your grandma's cookies.

This yule, worry about the fire, not the log

2005-12-21T23:37:00.000-08:00

The House of Representatives decided Wednesday to use 90 million dollars from a pandemic flu preparedness program to pay instead for Viagra and other impotence drugs. So yep, if bird flu reaches the US, we're all gonna be screwed.

Police in New Zealand were hunting Wednesday for a man who fled a hospital spinal unit wearing a traction apparatus and with both arms in casts. Authorities say the man is dangerous, but not armed.

Prosecutors say that a 75-year-old Amish widower, afraid that his church community would find out he sought sex from a prostitute, was blackmailed by the prostitute for more than 67,000 dollars, paid mostly in sausages and hand-stitched quilts.

No, I haven't started my Christmas Vacation just yet

2005-12-20T18:54:00.000-08:00

Having missed Monday, I offer a Domino's Pizza-eqsue Two-For-Tuesday

An Italian judge ruled that it is not necessarily hate speech to call someone a "dirty negro." But, still, Crayola really should find a new name for that color crayon.

Lesbian motorcycle enthusiasts in San Francisco have won their fight to trademark the name "Dykes on Bikes" which is much better than their alternate name: "Cooters on Scooters."

A number of new products are being marketed to Muslims this year including Mecca-Cola, a cell phone that includes directions for prayer, and Hallmark cards for Ramadan and Eid holidays, though I think they went too far with that animated Ramadan special "It's the Great Satan, Charlie Brown."

An article in the Washington Post reveals that Bar and Bat Mitzvahs in New York City can average between 100,000 and 250,000 dollars. Wow, that's much more than my aunt paid when she became a man.

An Ohio couple has been receiving a large number of orders for bracelets they make bearing the message "Just Say 'Merry Christmas.'" Other popular slogans include, "Live Merry," "What Would Blitzen Do?" and "Jingle This, Bitch."

Not selling so well are the ones that say "Chanukah -- What's not to like?"

The Danger Zone Diet

2005-12-14T18:37:00.000-08:00

A Hong Kong spa has a new weight loss technique in which patrons are wrapped in wet towels, splashed with alcohol and set ablaze. One dieter said the process really helps to burn off those unwanted pounds, and facial features.

A German Protestant youth group has put together a 2006 calendar with 12 staged photos depicting erotic scenes from the Bible, including a bare-breasted Delilah cutting Samson's hair and a nude Eve offering an apple. Those sound okay, but I really can't see the point in the one picture of Moses peeing on the burning bush.

Elton John has decided to marry his long-term partner at the same place Prince Charles wed Camilla Parker Bowles earlier this year. It's the classiest TGI Fridays in town.

If these Katie Couric rumors are true, Dan Rather might get replaced by six-year-old girl, too

2005-12-13T13:16:00.000-08:00

As part of the 80^th anniversary of Winnie the Pooh, Disney is producing a new cartoon series that will replace Christopher Robin with a 6 year-old girl. Fans will get to vote online whether they'd like Christopher Robin to die by falling down an elevator shaft, or by being mauled by a coked-up Tigger.

A villager in Turkey, who ran away with his friend's wife, has offered his own wife in exchange. Man, some people really miss the point of Secret Santa.

According to a budget amendment that cleared a first legislative hurdle in Italy, people would have to pay a 20 percent tax on pornography. This only applies to straight porn, since targeting gay porn would constitute an illegal pole tax.

heh heh ... chocolate factory

2005-12-12T07:56:00.000-08:00

According to a new book, Osama Bin Laden detests Saddam Hussein and Al Qaeda was never connected with the Iraqi dictator. The book is called The Osama Bin Laden I Know: An Oral History of Al Qaeda's Leader. Though, frankly, if the guy had more of an oral history he probably wouldn't be such a douche bag.

A new study reveals that more people are using the Internet while in the bathroom, giving new meaning to the phrase "logging on."

So I finally saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. And here I thought Deep Roy was the sequel to Shallow Hal.

and he's not playing with a full deck

2005-12-08T23:41:00.000-08:00

According to a survey by an online-sports gambling site, the world leader most people would like to play poker with is President Bush, because it's quite easy to see that he's always bluffing.

A basket-ball size piece of marble molding fell from the façade over the entrance to the Supreme court last week, landing on the steps near visitors waiting to enter the building and not on Ruth Bader Ginsburg as Pat Robertson hoped it would when he pushed it.

Israel's Red Shield and Palestine's Red Crescent organizations have come close to an agreement to use the "Red Crystal" symbol for their aid organizations so that neither group will be restricted by use of a religious symbol. Plus, if you collect enough red crystals, you get 10 extra lives and a Sword of Summoning for level 10-7.

Three Hollywood jokes ... because real life is boring

2005-12-07T19:33:00.000-08:00

Tom Cruise has bought a 200,000 dollar sonogram machine for his fiancé Katie Holmes, so that they can monitor the development of their child. The baby is due in the spring, though they may bump the opening until later, for awards consideration.

A dance adaptation of Tim Burton's movie, Edward Scissorhands, is heading to Broadway. But tragedy struck when a rehearsal was accidentally booked in the same space as practice for a revival of "Puppetry of the Penis."

Andrew Lloyd-Webber is making a reality show out of his search to find a new singing star for a revival of the stage version of The Sound of Music. The show will be called "America's Next Top Yodel."

Tuesday is the new Monday

2005-12-06T19:09:00.000-08:00

Again, d'oh. Again, d'ouble d'ose.

People caught in Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin urinating in public are being ordered by the court to write signed letters of apology. But it's not working so well, seeing as three of the letters so far have been written in the snow.

A new report shows that after the Vatican's directive last week barring most gay men from seminaries many Catholics are divided about their attitude toward homosexuals. About 30 percent are opposed to homosexuality, 30 percent are in support of the lifestyle, and the rest could go either way ... or at least they did a few times in college.

The Mayor of Las Vegas is trying to lure a major league sports team to the city. But, failing that, he would be willing to take the New York Jets.

A California man attached his private parts to a truck and pulled it several yards. Man, some people will do anything to save on gas.

David Brooks, a New York multi-millionaire, has reportedly paid 10 million dollars to hire Tom Petty, Stevie Nicks, members of Aerosmith, and the Eagles to perform at his daughter's Bat Mitzvah. The event will be held in 1978.

Last week, Angelina Jolie, a goodwill ambassador for the UN High Commissioner for Refugees, and Brad Pitt visited areas of Pakistan devastated by the earthquake, and apologized for causing it with vibrations from their thunderous monkey sex.

yep, a post on Thanksgiving ... see you in a week, after I get out of my turkey coma

2005-11-24T00:10:00.000-08:00

It was reported that Nicole Ritchie has been complaining to her friends that Paris Hilton has been crank-calling hersaying, "Hey Nicole, is your refrigerator running? It is? Well, no wonder you haven't been able to eat anything for the past two years!"

In an interview with Newsweek, author Anne Rice, famous for her vampire novels, says that all her future works will be written in the voice of Jesus Christ, except that now, when you eat of his flesh and drink of his blood, you become a Jesus.

A 53 year-old Manhattan man and his 32 year-old shipmate are planning to spend 1000 days at sea sailing around the world, and the next thousand trying to convince themselves that all the gay stuff they did doesn't really count.

A Turkey for the President

2005-11-23T12:27:00.000-08:00

President Bush's approval rating has dropped to 36 percent. To put that in relative terms, if that percentage were a percentage of alcohol content in a drink, you would need at least four to forget how upset you are that George Bush is still president.

Before leaving for this trip to Asia, President Bush spoke to troops in Alaska and attacked Democratic critics of the war in Iraq saying that they are "rewriting the past" and that "they spoke the truth then, and they're speaking politics now." "Whereas I have been consistently lying throughout."

The San Francisco Board of Supervisors approved a measure on Tuesday requiring all pit bulls in the city to be sterilized, marking the first time in San Francisco History that removal of the testicles wasn't part of a cabaret act.

the ticket

2005-11-22T12:06:00.000-08:00

In the December issue of Blender magazine, Ashlee Simpson says, "SNL was a defining place of my womanhood." Oh, sorry, it wasn't Ashlee Simpson who said that, it was Jon Lovitz.

Fans of James Doohan, who played Scotty on Star Trek, now have the chance to include words of tribute to the actor in the spacecraft that will launch his ashes into orbit. Finally, a chance for a million tacky "burn me up, Scotty" jokes.

This week Oprah Winfrey celebrated the 20th year of her talk-show and revealed that while on a date with Roger Ebert, he gave her the idea to syndicate her show, and the idea to dip cheeseburgers in melted butter and chocolate.

and they were dancing cheek to cheek

2005-11-21T19:04:00.000-08:00

It is rumored that Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy are dating. Apparently a reporter for People magazine saw them together, farting sweet nothings into each other's ears.

The cast of Seinfeld reunited on Live with Regis and Kelly. In a related story, the cast of The Facts of Life will reunite in the break room of the Stop & Shop where they all work.

The National Legal and Police Center, a conservative organization, has filed a complaint against Sean Combs contending that he violated election law in his 2004 "Vote or Die" campaign by promoting John Kerry and opposing Bush, because an endorsement from Combs may have unfairly influenced voters to vote against Kerry.

Hey, this could be a good idea for a play ...

2005-11-17T18:02:00.000-08:00

Michael Sessions, an 18 year-old high school senior, has won the race for mayor of Hillsdale, Michigan. The mayor-elect's inaugural ball will be held at Dooger's house sometime when his mom and stepdad are out of town.

A new art exhibit in New York displays 22 skinless corpses and 260 vital organs under glass, the exhibit is called "My local Asian delicatessen."

Kate Hudson is preparing to sue several publications for printing pictures of her implying that she has a weight-loss obsession. Hudson was going to make a statement to the press about the lawsuits, but she was blown away from the microphone by a strong gust of wind.

A new report shows that the best city in America to be a stay-at-home mom is Atlanta, followed by Baltimore, Dallas, and Houston. The worst place to be a stay-at-home mom remains Scott Peterson's house.

The Bush administration has abandoned its bid to research "bunker buster" nuclear weapons and instead will focus on developing a conventional deep-earth penetrating bomb, so they can officially bury their last shreds of credibility.

American Idol winner Fantasia Barrino is upset with ABC for promoting her upcoming 20/20 interview by falsely saying that she would reveal that she is illiterate. In a strongly-worded letter to ABC, Barrino wrote "Ig bix! Noosty da! Hafrum hafrum!"

Thank God, now I no longer feel guilty paying taxes

2005-11-15T05:47:00.000-08:00

Two months after he resigned as head of FEMA, Michael Brown is finally off the agency's payroll, and will now have to sustain himself entirely by drinking the blood of babies.

A woman is Florida was arrested for allegedly stealing a 2000 dollar parrot, by hiding it in her bra. The parrot has reportedly stopped saying "Polly Wanna Cracker" and started saying, "Polly Wanna Talk to You About Deodorant Soap, Lady."

Scientists have determined that high-pitched sounds produced by mice are actually a complex pattern of chirp-like syllables that meet the scientific definition of "song, " which is more than can be said about the tracks on Kevin Federline's new album.

If they could turn back time ...

2005-11-14T09:41:00.000-08:00

Insiders say that for their cover story about baby boomers turning 60, Newsweek editors almost accidentally used a picture of Cher that was actually a very convincing drag queen. Even worse, the drag queen was actually attempting to impersonate Ian McKellen.

On Tuesday Mike Bloomberg was re-elected as Mayor of New York City, in what may be the widest margin of victory ever for a Republican in New York. Reached for comment, Bloomberg's Democratic opponent said, "What was my name again?"

A psychiatrist in Washington is studying a possible link between a parasite in cat droppings and schizophrenia, though, in my book, people who are eating cat droppings are a little off to begin with.

Oops, I did it again

2005-11-03T20:01:00.000-08:00

This whole "every day" thing seems to be confusing me. Another double dose.

William Shatner disclosed this week that his recent hospital stint was due to a kidney stone, which he successfully passed, but not until after his doctor's ureteroscope went where no man had gone before.

And, in a related story, George "Mr. Sulu" Takei came out of the closet to announce that, in his case, any number of men have gone there before.

Ashlee Simpson's sophomore album "I Am Me" is number one on the Bill board list, though it's expected to be replaced next week when her sister Jessica debuts "Me Am Sleepy."

George Lucas has given 1 million dollars to help build a statue of Martin Luther King, Jr. in San Francisco, providing that, in ten years, they'll tear the statue down and replace it with a crappier one covered in bad CGI effects.

Police in Connecticut said that six people were stabbed early Sunday during a melee at a one-year-old's birthday party when a downstairs' neighbor went upstairs to complain about the noise. People, please remember "Sponge Bob" is a good theme for a child's party. "Shish KeBab" is not.

A 40 year-old man in Wisconsin has been charged with placing photographs of his genitalia on the cars of women who parked at shopping centers. Is that what that was? I though Hickory Farms was just promoting its Summer Sausage.

For Halloween, I Dressed the Jokes as ... Invisible Jokes

2005-11-01T09:16:00.000-08:00

Here are six visible, risible ones to compensate.

AOL has hired Dick Cheney's daughter Mary Cheney to assist its vice president. Interesting, isn't it, that AOL would hire somebody who has never had male?

A German filmmaker is planning to make a comedy about Adolph Hitler. The working title is Ten Things I Hate About Jews.

An 8 year-old girl in Maryland has been credited with this year's first bear kill. Poor Teddy Ruxpin never saw it coming.

Last week, White House spokesman Scott McClellan for the first time distanced the President from Karl Rove and Lewis (Scooter) Libby saying, "There are facts the President doesn't know." For example, only yesterday, we had to tell him that wasn't Shinola on his shoes.

A new study shows that the smoking rate among high school students has dropped from 28 percent in 2000 to 20 percent in 2004, suggesting that high school students are at least 8 percent less cool.

The manager of a soccer team in England punished his under-performing players over the weekend by making them face disgruntled fans in the changing rooms. Fans hurled taunts at the players like "I see you don't know how to handle balls OFF the field, either" and "Looks like somebody DID bend it like Beckham."

Oh, sure, Clint's a big time racist (I'm not, though ... right?)

2005-10-27T19:32:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the missed entry on Wednesday. Double dose today.

This spring, Starbucks will begin putting a God-filled quote from Reverend Rick Warren, the author of The Purpose Driven Life, on its cups. The quote: "Jesus! That was a lot to pay for some pretty crappy coffee."

A finishing school for men has opened in England, so at least over there, women finished first.

Clint Eastwood is working on two films about the battle of Iwo Jima, one from the point of view of the Americans, and one from the Japanese perspective, though Japanese American groups are already up in arms over Eastwood's plans to shoot the Japanese film in what he calls "Slanty Vision."

In his first public comments since the Yankees were eliminated from the playoffs, manager Joe Torre revealed that he had considered retiring, but after talking with owner George Steinbrenner, he decided to return for another year ... and that he got that black eye he has because he ... fell ... down some ... stairs and "George says he loves me! Okay?"

Lynne Cheney denied claims that her husband Dick Cheney would run for President in 2008 saying, "That's pretty interesting. Wrong, but interesting." And schtupid.

An activist in Atlanta, who opposes illegal immigration, acknowledged that he paid more than a dozen homeless people 10 dollars each to hold signs during a rally earlier this week, but said that they agreed with his message. "Yes," said one of the homeless sign-holders, "I'm opposed to illegal immigration because the purple eggnog people from Saturn who live in my teeth told me it was wrong."

As a twist, the sexual predator in this story is the one NOT named Jackson

2005-10-25T14:34:00.000-07:00

Both Kobe Bryant and coach Phil Jackson, who is returning as head coach of the LA Lakers this year, insist that they will be able to work together, despite various tensions in the past. Reportedly, Jackson has promised to respect Kobe's input and authority as a team leader, and Kobe has promised Jackson that he will stop trying to rape him.

According to a new study by the Centers for Disease Control, more than half of 15 to 19 year-old are having oral sex, and the rest are just waiting to get their braces off.

In an interview this week Madonna said that she is strict with her daughter about laundry duty, saying that if Lourdes leaves dirty clothes on the floor, they go in a bag and she "has to earn all of her clothes back by being tidy." Madonna explained that he parents had the same rule and for much of her youth she was forced to walk around in nothing but underwear.

John-Paul II: The Popening

2005-10-24T21:45:00.000-07:00

Pope Benedict XVI will attend a world-premiere screening of the CBS mini-series about Pope John Paul II. But he has asked that they change the title from The Eighty-Four-Year-Old Virgin.

In an interview magician David Copperfield says that his next trick will be to impregnate a woman onstage without touching her. In a related story, Tom Cruise is suing David Copperfield for stealing his idea.

Police say that a second grader in Connecticut, who brought more than a dozen bags of marijuana to school will not face criminal charges, though they do ask that his parents replace all the graham crackers devoured during the feeding frenzy that was that day's snacktime.

Not Harry ... Ron, maybe ...

2005-10-13T16:44:00.000-07:00

Reverend Graham Taylor, a British cleric, was thrown out of a school in England, where he was delivering a talk after he told pupils that Harry Potter was "gay." But they really should have known better when he told them his lecture was called "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ass-Kaban."

In the first significant case before the Supreme Court, presided over by Chief Justice John Roberts, the Bush administration on Wednesday pressed to block Oregon doctors from helping terminally ill patients end their lives, though they do concede that Tom Delay's political career should just be taken behind the woodshed and shot.

Nicolas Cage and his wife gave birth Monday to baby boy named Kal-El Coppola Cage. Kal-El was Superman's name on Krypton, but, going through elementary school with a name like that, I'm guessing this kid's Kryptonite is going to be therapists' bills.

What's a nice girl like you doing with her tongue stuck to a place like this?

2005-10-12T23:27:00.000-07:00

A bar in London opened last weekend, made entirely of ice and will be kept at minus 23 degrees Fahrenheit year round, powered entirely by the stares the Queen gives Camilla.

Senator Hillary Clinton is getting a lot of donations for her re-election campaign from Hollywood celebrities, including Jane Fonda, Robert DeNiro, Chevy Chase, Norman Lear, and Barbra Streisand, ensuring that she will definitely be reelected in 1978.

A Swedish couple has won the right to name their daughter Edradour, after a Scottish whiskey brand. Young Edradour will join her two brothers Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker, and an adopted sister Josephine Cuervo.